Kari O'Driscoll on How Truth (of Caretaking) Has a Different Shape

In this interview, Kari O'Driscoll talks to Alexander “The Engineer” Lim, host of AuthorStory by alvinwriter.com, about his book, Truth Has a Different Shape.



“It’s all about showing up for people in the way that they need me.” ~Kari O'Driscoll

Given Kari’s background in healthcare, it would seem, on the surface, that her looking after her mother in the latter’s old age would not be much of a challenge, but this isn’t the case. In her childhood, Kari had to essentially become the mother to her younger sibling as well as to her own mom. At the start of her caring for her mother, Kari felt angry and resentful about doing so, but as time went by, Kari went on a journey which enabled her to deal with her mother with love and compassion. Kari also notes that some parents, once they become the one looked after, become resentful at the reversal of roles, even as the children wonder how to get their parents to do things.

For Kari, the definition of caretaking and being a caretaker evolved. Initially, caretaking for her was very much frantic and survival-based, having to do with everyday needs, such as food. Shedding that kind of fear-based caretaking became hard for her to do when she became a mother, and over time she realized that the most profound kind of caretaking is the one which comes from listening and accepting the person for who they are, so she can be with that person in that moment, compared to the previous paradigm of constantly trying to head off disaster.

Kari admits that the circumstances of her introduction to caretaking were “unique,” in that, in the space of three months, her family fell apart when she lost a brother, her parents got divorced, her father remarried and moved away and her mother fell into a deep depression and couldn’t function. Kari stepped up, at the age of eight, and became the primary caretaker for the entire family, influenced by the fear that, if things didn’t appear normal to everyone else, everyone would get taken away. “These expectations were internal,” Kari admits, and there was additional stress in that, as a child, she couldn’t let any adult know what was going on. She attempted to be the mother she thought mothers should be, as well as resented her mother for not being the mother she should have been. When Kari became a mother herself, she fell into the kind of rigid expectation of what a mother should be, one who provided three hot meals a day and stayed home with the children so they could be constantly stimulated and involved with various activities so they would develop properly.

Kari reflects that the expectations of mothers in today’s society are not reflected in the expectations of fathers today, and a lot of expectations laid on mothers aren’t sustainable - “a recipe for disaster,” she adds. Kari notes that she was initially “certain” she wasn’t going to have kids, and when she finally had her first child, she figured she had already “walled off” her experiences from childhood. This wasn’t true, and this insecurity manifested itself in the phrase she constantly heard in her head: “What makes you think you can do this?” It was a voice that she constantly ran away from until she “broke,” at a time when she felt exhausted and realizing she could no longer fight things, after which she went into depression to the point of feeling suicidal. This realization made her seek help and, eventually, therapy for her concern, particularly as she didn’t want her children to experience what she, herself, experienced when her mother went into depression. Seeking help took a lot of courage from her, as she didn’t want her children taken away from her in a repeat of when her brother was taken away from her while she was a child.

Kari’s present way of caretaking, she reflects, creates a relationship between the caretaker and the one being taken care of while enabling the latter to have a voice in what is going on. Doing so, she notes, enabled her mother to deal with the latter’s own grief about her loss of independence, which is reflective of a relationship. Kari also notes that, in the old paradigm of caretaking, those being taken care of aren’t given credit for what they actually might need, and in particular, where children are concerned, the latter don’t get the space they need to explore and learn and grow. Kari’s present style of caretaking is all about creating, with her daughters, for example, a foundation of a relationship where they know that she is there for them whenever they need her. She also notes that her guest room is open for kids who need a place to be, and that she also volunteers for community service and is on the board of an organization that provides employment for adults with mental illness, which are expressions of her present paradigm of caretaking.

Kari O’Driscoll, as a person when living in the old paradigm of caretaking, was a compulsive perfectionist, a Type-A personality whom others viewed as being “hyper-competent.” She ground her teeth and didn’t sleep a lot and made sure that the house was always clean and that every last detail was looked after. “Ninety percent of my decisions were made out of fear,” she points out.

Kari O’Driscoll now is someone who is more grounded, calmer and more likely to take a break. She’s now more likely to say that she doesn’t know the answer and is willing to help someone find the answers to their questions. She only takes on roles where she feels called to do and doesn’t really care about what other people think, knows that she doesn’t have to know, all the time, that things are going right, and trusts more that the Universe is holding her.

Where her book is concerned, Kari remarks that her story is unique and different. Also, she notes that a lot of kids in the 1970s were “latchkey kids,” who essentially raised themselves while their parents were out, and that kind of environment, when growing up, creates a lot of “baggage,” which is something that a lot of people, particularly those who were former latchkey kids, could relate to. In addition, her concern of raising children at the same time as looking after an elderly parent is something baby boomers is likely to be something the latter are presently undergoing, and as navigating this situation is tricky, Kari hopes that her memoir might have some information or perspective that might be able to help them.

To those who are overwhelmed with looking after someone, Kari recommends creating their “to do” list of all their activities that they should be doing, and then seeing what activities they can either outsource or eliminate. “We make assumptions that all of these needs to be done,” Kari notes, adding that eliminating some things enables people to have room to breathe and have time for themselves.

Truth Has a Different Shape from CavanKerry Press


Purchase from Amazon: 
Truth Has a Different Shape by Kari O'Driscoll


Links to Kari O'Driscoll's Previous AuthorStory Interview:

Kari O'Driscoll: Developing Self-Awareness and Critical Thinking in Adolescents (YouTube)

One Teenager at a Time: Developing Self-Awareness and Critical Thinking in Adolescents (AuthorStory Blog)

One Teenager at a Time: Developing Self-Awareness and Critical Thinking in Adolescents (AuthorStory Videos Blo)

Kari O'Driscoll: Developing Self-Awareness and Critical Thinking in Adolescents One Teenager at a Time

In this interview, Kari O'Driscoll talks to Alexander “The Engineer” Lim, host of AuthorStory by alvinwriter.com, about her book, One Teenager at a Time: Developing Self-Awareness and Critical Thinking in Adolescents.



“As soon as we start listening, they start feeling like they’re being heard, and that’s really, really important.” ~Kari O'Driscoll

While writing was something that Kari didn’t aspire to, it was by doing so that she processed the world. It was while she was in college that she got fascinated with the power of being able to understand scientific concepts and write them in a way that the average person could understand. Kari admits that she likes advocating to people and interacting with them, which was why doing so was her “sweet spot.” For her, philosophy was about curiosity and that the answers there were open-ended and led to more questions, rather than with science, where there is only one right answer. Kari also notes that philosophy also deals with ethical and moral questions, which also appeals to her.

Kari founded the SELF program sprang from her experiences with working in health care and working with the Mental Health Division of Washington State, as advocating for children with mental health issues. It was particularly after having two children of her own that she noticed what was going on in formal education as well as what was missing in this, and the SELF project was founded as a way to fill the gap that she saw that children in the United States weren’t being taught about.

The SELF project is rooted in how mindfulness impacts health and brain development, as well as on the latest research into adolescent brain development. It uses non-violent communication techniques to help those aged between 10 - 25 years old, as this is when “massive brain development” occurs. The project is intended to enable adolescents to ask questions about who they are and what their values are, as well as how to create strong, trusting relationships and build networks that they can rely on. The project also enables adolescents to develop patterns to help them deal with stress and create a positive mindset, to create a strong foundation for their adulthood.

Where the present educational system is concerned, Kari notes that the United States has “bought” into the idea of competition and that there are prescribed paths that children should take. This results in a lot of stress being placed on children, particularly since the requirements to go from one grade to another, much less such leaps as those from high school to college, are driven by outside forces. This environment is one which is not conducive to enabling adolescents figure out what it is that really drives them and what they feel about what is going on. Kari also notes that personal emotional development isn’t addressed, pointing out that children, in the present educational system, spend 40 - 60 hours a week away from their parents, and that it is difficult to address the entirety of a child’s personal emotional development over dinner.

Where adolescent brain development is concerned, Kari notes that adolescents are very socially driven and are biologically designed to take big risks, as well as not really think through the consequences of their actions. This is mainly due to adolescents seeing things through an emotional filter, as the amygdala, which is an organ in the brain which processes emotions, physically swells to thrice its previous size - which explains why adolescents react emotionally to concerns, as an adolescent’s brain tells the individual that the situation is one that requires a “flight or fight” reaction. Adolescents also learn how to understand abstract concepts at this period, which can be used to nurture curiosity and openmindedness. Kari also remarks that the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is related with rational thought, isn’t fully developed until the age of 25, which means that adolescents aren’t capable of doing rational thought until that age. Thus, telling an adolescent such things as “Why can’t you act / think like a grownup?” are pointless, as they literally cannot do so. Kari also notes that, towards adulthood, the brain “prunes” neural connections so that only those which are vital, efficient and effective in adult life are maintained and those which aren’t are allowed to degrade. These neural connections essentially form the basis of habits and patterns that individuals use, and if the kind of habits that enable emotional intelligence haven’t yet been created, neither would those neural connections which would support such habits. The connections that are supported are those which cause people to be petty, and this is one reason why there would be adults who act irrationally, emotionally and excessively. Kari also calls such neural connections “superhighways,” in recognition of the brain’s drive for efficiency, and notes that the superhighways which enable a person to do critical thinking and to become aware need to be created during the adolescent years.

The SELF curriculum is based on the subjects of:

• Mindfulness,
• Compassion,
• Positive mindset,
• Self-worth, and
• Stress, anxiety and fear.

There are several lessons in each subject, and each lesson starts with a story, which is a great way to catch a person’s attention, after which the lesson becomes a journey of guided discovery. The curriculum is meant to be used with several adolescents at the same time, to harness their social drive as well as to normalize conversations about difficult subjects, particularly those where there is no “right/wrong” answer. An activity, usually a solo activity, is also part of the lesson, and the last piece of the curriculum is a guided meditation / visualization where the adolescents can internalize the lesson. The curriculum is very flexible, and Kari gives an example of the first part of the lesson being given on Monday, with the kids being asked what came up for them on Wednesday (which was also when the activity was done), and wrapped up on Friday, with the visualization and debrief of the lesson being done then. The full curriculum of 50 lessons should properly take over the course of several months, particularly given that some of the subjects concerned are difficult to deal with, and giving the adolescents time to ruminate on the subjects enables richer discussions. That said, the program is flexible, with Kari remarking that she once gave the curriculum in 75 minutes.

Where results are concerned, Kari points to her work with a recovery school for children who were recovering from addiction. The adolescents there were both real and raw, and the adolescents remarked that they felt heard, rather than being merely spoken to. The adolescents were thus able to really dig into the questions posed in the lessons, and one of the once commented to Kari that it had been the first time that someone had listened to that individual. Doing the curriculum, Kari remarks, enables adolescents to take a break from all the stress they are in and just play, and those who have undergone it feel they have a right to speak up, are more self-assured and are more “comfortable in their own skin.” Kari gives an example of a lesson on shame, which includes such pointers as who would make an adolescent feel ashamed. Exploring and unpacking the experience of shame is difficult for adolescents, as they want to be thought of as “cool” by their peers, and Kari notes that people in power use shame to control adolescents’ behavior, which only makes such as situation more uncomfortable to deal with.

Kari would like to remind adults that adolescents nowadays are being asked to do more things than adults do, and are asked to be something which they literally cannot be and do things that they can literally not yet do. The social and logistical expectations set to teenagers can be overwhelming, she notes, and that leading with compassion and curiosity and as supportive and loving adults goes a long way towards creating positive relationships.

Purchase from Amazon: 
One Teenager at a Time: Developing Self-Awareness and Critical Thinking in Adolescents by Kari O'Driscoll